#Brave definition vs vulnerability how to#
How to Stop Oversharing and Stick with Vulnerabilityīrené offers a selection of questions we can ask ourselves to stop over-sharing (and the negative consequences) before it happens. And being authentic is how we really develop genuine heartfelt and deep intimacy. When we’re just vulnerable, we’re being authentic.
When we’re “being vulnerable” with an ulterior motive, it feels manipulative and icky to the other person. “ Using vulnerability is not the same thing as being vulnerable it’s the opposite – it’s armour.” (Emphasis added) In Daring Greatly, Brené addresses the difference between vulnerability and oversharing: The line between vulnerability and oversharing When the motivation for sharing isn’t clear or seems incongruous within our relationship, I find it hard to do that. I want to empathise when people tell me about challenging and difficult experiences they’ve had. In fact, it often results in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.”Īnd I understand why: I don’t enjoy being on the receiving end of oversharing either. And when that happens, it feels gut-wrenchingly horrible and humiliating.Īs Brené Brown writes in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead: I’ve been a splurger at various points in my life, and I learned that there is no more effective way to alienate people and freak them out. The act of oversharing hides many buried motivations and needs, including a desire for intimacy, connectedness, and belonging – none of which will be met by over-sharing. It also leaves the person doing the oversharing exposed: they are entrusting personal experiences and information with someone they don’t know, and if they don’t get the validation and reciprocity they are looking for, they end up feeling left out alone in the cold. It can leave the person on the receiving end of the oversharing feeling mystified about why the other person is telling them this, helpless to give them the support they want or need, and burdened with expectations they didn’t ask for. It’s an uncomfortable and unsatisfying experience for both parties. Vulnerability is a quality that brings people closer together and leaves them feeling more connected. While the person oversharing might feel momentarily closer to the person they’re oversharing to, they’re a) not self-protecting by interacting with appropriate boundaries, and b) not empathising with the impact their oversharing will have on others in the conversation.
When the person doing the oversharing doesn’t get the response they’re looking for, they can feel hurt, frustrated, annoyed, angry, vengeful, entitled or any combination of the above. oversharing, however, is the expectation. Neither of these approaches is better or worse than the other. Some people feel fine diving straight into the deep stuff while other people take a while to warm up before they feel comfortable sharing more personal information. We all have different personal boundaries and comfort levels, so what feels appropriate to one person might not to another. But it’s not vulnerability- it’s the opposite.
The problem with this is it can seem like vulnerability.
It means sharing personal or sensitive information, expecting emotional support or intimacy that’s incongruous or inappropriate for the context or level of trust in the relationships. Or, we’re talking to an acquaintance and they start telling us about something deeply personal or sharing a vulnerability, but in a way that feels laden with expectation-of support, intimacy, emotional care-taking and more, at a depth we’re not ready to offer. We’ve all had the moment: we’re sharing something about ourselves, our lives, or someone we know in a bid for connection and empathy, only to be greeted by an awkward silence and uncomfortable shifting from the other person.